


Sunflowers and Brown Sugar

by melonsoju



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Other, Parenthood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-17
Updated: 2020-01-17
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:20:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22288534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melonsoju/pseuds/melonsoju
Summary: In which Doyoung adopts a son and faces the trials and tribulations of parenthood, all with Johnny's memory at his side.
Relationships: Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 7
Kudos: 80





	Sunflowers and Brown Sugar

**Author's Note:**

> a/n : this work can be considered a sequel to my previous work, little rowboat, but can also be read as a stand alone fic! however, i do recommend you read little rowboat first before reading this, for a better understanding of the plot of this fic.

Sitting on the couch, wrapped in a sweater that was decidedly too big for him, Kim Doyoung went through albums and albums full of pictures, his fingers delicately turning each page with practiced ease. He had found himself in this same situation on the couch before, although it has been in much more upsetting circumstances; the amount of times that he had found himself on the couch, rivers of tears streaming down his face as he clutched a photograph to his chest, were too many to count. But he preferred to forget about those times. Those weren’t as important as the task set before him at the moment. 

With a soft “aha,” Doyoung carefully pulled out a piece of film from the album in his lap, a smile spreading across his face as he regarded the picture in his hand. It was a photograph of Doyoung on his college graduation day, the diploma he earned and a large bouquet of flowers tucked in the crooks of his elbows. Standing behind him, with his hand resting on Doyoung’s hip, was a tall man in a simple business suit, his black hair gelled back. The photograph had managed to capture the sparkle in his honey brown eyes, his cherry blossom tinted lips connecting with the side of Doyoung’s head. As he looked at the picture, he could still feel the soft pressure of them on his temple, hear the whispered “i love you” in his ear. It was like it had happened yesterday. Like Johnny Suh, the love of Kim Doyoung’s life, was still with him.

Reaching for an empty picture frame on the coffee table, Doyoung gently slid the photograph into it, securing it and making sure it stood up before getting up from the couch, shuffling over to the mantle above the fireplace and placing it in the center, positioning it among the many other mementos and things Doyoung had collected over the years. As the centerpiece of the mantle, it was perfect. Doyoung stepped back and admired his handiwork, and would have went back in to position it perfectly, if it weren’t for the trill of the landline phone snapping him out of his concentration.

His socked feet pattering on the floor, Doyoung practically slid to the phone stand at the corner of the kitchen counter and picked the phone up, cupping it to his ear and answering the call. “Hello?” He said, his voice full of apprehension and his body a bit tensed up, only to relax as the calming voice of a woman issued through the speaker.

“Hi Johnny, this is Yerim from the adoption center speaking. How are you today?”

At the sound of his former lover’s name, Doyoung’s breath caught in his throat, his eyes getting watery and his brain completely skipping over the fact that this was someone from an adoption center calling. This wasn’t something like the bills or a food delivery service. This was a place that involved children. And even though he was a high school teacher and was good with teenagers, Doyoung was not good with children. Many times before he had tried to babysit his godson Minhyung, the son of his best friends Taeyong and Ten, only to have them return to a worn out Doyoung with a squabbling child in his hands. Childcare definitely wasn’t for him; that was more Johnny’s forte.

After a moment of tense silence, Doyoung finally spoke. “I’m sorry,” he murmured, cradling the receiver in his palm. “but this is Kim Doyoung, his former boyfriend… Johnny passed away about a month ago.” 

Another moment of silence. Then finally Yerim replied, her words gushing out like water from a tap. “Oh my go- oh my goodness, sir, I’m so sorry for your loss I didn’t mean to offend you or anything I’m so sorry-“ She genuinely sounded distraught, her breathing becoming shallow and rapid in a flash, and Doyoung deduced from it that she was probably a bit new and had never really been in a situation like this, so he did his best to remedy it. “Yerim, it’s fine, it-it’s perfectly fine- don’t apologize, please” he said quickly, almost begging her, and to his relief, the woman began to calm down, the rapid breathing he could hear from his end slowing down. “You’re okay. But why did Johnny have contact with an adoption center? He never told me about that…”

At the sound of Doyoung’s confusion, Yerim was quick to reply, her bright voice issuing through the speaker despite the near panic attack she had experienced not even a minute ago. “Actually…. Johnny has been researching adoption with us, ever since a few years ago… He expressed an interest in one of the children who’s been with us for a while, Lee Donghyuck. He’s been in our system for a while, and Johnny’s final adoption appointment was today; he was supposed to sign the papers and bring him home today as well. He’s never usually late so we were worried, and that’s why we called the number he had given to us, and now we’ve reached you.”

Doyoung listened to Yerim with his eyebrows furrowed. He had seen Johnny looking at pictures of a tan, curly haired child on his phone when he was in the hospital, and he had never asked who they were, mostly because he wasn’t one to pry into his significant other’s phone and if they were particularly important in Johnny’s life he would’ve told Doyoung already. Maybe Johnny had been planning on adopting him when he got better, and would’ve told Doyoung after the treatment was over. But that wasn’t how life turned out, and now Doyoung was faced with a choice.

Doyoung hadn’t realized he had been silent for a while, the gears in his brain turning, until Yerim spoke into the phone again. “Doyoung-ssi, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m okay, never better…” Doyoung started, the gears in his mind turning rapidly. “Um, Yerim?” He asked. “Is it…. Okay…. If I see Donghyuck? I know he was someone very dear to Johnny, even though he never told me about him, and I want to see who gave Johnny such joy. Is that okay?”

“Of course it is,” Yerim said warmly. “And in the case that you want to take the next step with Donghyuck, you would be an amazing parent. Johnny even said so.”

“He did?”

“He did.”

The first time Doyoung saw Donghyuck in person, the child was in the corner of the large playroom in the orphanage, sucking his thumb with a large plush toy in his grasp, completely oblivious to the raucous children around him. The sunlight hit his caramel colored hair and played off his ridiculously long lashes, making it seem like he was a practical angel in Doyoung’s eyes. Apparently the entirety of the staff thought so too.

“Donghyuck’s had a bit of a rough history,” Yerim explained, as the two of them, along with other orphanage staff, peered at him through the window from the hallway. “He’s practically grown up here. His parents left him as a baby on our doorstep, with no explanation, no letter, no nothing. He’s been rotated here and there in the foster system, but he always ends up back here. Developmentally, he’s fine… But we think he must’ve experienced some trauma sometime as an infant, because he didn’t speak a word until Johnny turned up. Almost immediately he started calling him “Papa” and playing with him and the other kids. He’s even heard about you, because one day you called in the middle of an appointment and he asked who it was, and Johnny said that you were Donghyuck’s papa too. Donghyuck didn’t like that as much, because he said that Johnny was his papa and no one else was… So Johnny suggested that you were his dada, and it’s stuck since then. I’m sure he’d love to meet you, so go on,” Yerim concluded, gently shoving Doyoung’s shoulder in the direction of the door. 

Doyoung had reluctantly done so, and by the time he had reached Donghyuck and was introducing himself to the child, Doyoung was already in love. Donghyuck was quiet, just like Yerim said, but when he spoke, his voice was soft and sweet, nearly melodious from the unique inflections in it, like a little warbler. Johnny’s influence could be seen in everything he did, from the rounding of his vowels to the little lisp he had developed to even the gentle way he held out his teddy bear plush for Doyoung to hold while he got up to find some of his drawings to show him. Doyoung was in utter love with this child, and by 3 in the afternoon, Doyoung had signed the papers and was on the way to the mall, the 3 year old tucked securely to Doyoung’s chest because he hadn’t even considered getting a child seat, his face buried in the warm material of Doyoung’s sweater and his breath evening out as he fell asleep.

Doyoung didn’t want to tell Donghyuck about Johnny. But he knew he had to at one point, and he was dreading the moment that Donghyuck would ask the inevitable question of where his papa was. But to Doyoung’s surprise, the first thing Donghyuck asked was “Is Papa work?”

Doyoung stood in the doorway for a moment in shock, the bags full of clothes and toys and snacks threatening to drop from his hands. He didn’t know what to say for a moment, but he decided to take it in stride, placing the bags on the floor next to the kitchen counter and scooping the child up, carrying him to the mantelpiece and showing Donghyuck the picture of him and Johnny that he had framed that morning. Smoothing out Donghyuck’s hair (a habit he had acquired since adopting him; the child’s curls wouldn’t stay down even if you plastered them to his head with water), he said “Yes, Papa is at work… He’s working in a place far, far away…. But do you know what? If you kiss his picture, riiiiiight here,” he continued, pointing at Johnny’s face, “he’ll feel your kiss on his cheek! How does that sound?”

Donghyuck thought for a moment, his nose scrunching and nearly causing Doyoung to squeal at how cute he was, before he reached out to the picture with a soft grabby hand. Doyoung leaned Donghyuck towards it, and after a few seconds of straining the toddler had the picture frame in his hand, tilting it around and looking at it for a moment before planting a big, wet kiss onto Johnny’s face. Looking to Doyoung excitedly afterwards, he asked, “Papa feel my kiss?” his eyes shining so brightly that it pained Doyoung’s heart to have to tell him later. But Donghyuck was a child, and after all of that pain that he had already went through, Doyoung thought it best to not tell him. At least, not yet.

“Papa felt your kiss, alright… He loves his Hyuck kisses,” Doyoung replied, pressing a kiss to the side of Donghyuck’s forehead and getting a huge kiss on the cheek in return. The little boy snuggled in Doyoung’s arms, his head resting in the crook of the man’s neck, and as his eyes fluttered closed and he let out a little yawn, he mumbled “I love you, Dada. Love you and Papa,” leaving Doyoung in the living room doing something he never thought he would do in all his years: rocking a child to sleep, smoothing his hair out and mumbling. “I love you too, honeybear. Both you and Papa. And he loves you too.”

Doyoung knew that it was challenging to raise a child, but never to this extent. In the first years of raising Donghyuck as his own son, he had gone through hurdles that were unimaginable, from dealing with his first illness to sending him off to his first day of preschool. But soon, both Doyoung and Donghyuck etched out a routine, one that was fulfilling and easy for both father and son. Every day, Doyoung would wake up first, brushing his teeth and getting a pot of coffee started before frying up a few eggs and some bacon, the breakfast that he grew to love after living with Johnny and seeing him devour his portion within seconds. After making his own breakfast, he got a big bowl of yogurt and fruit ready for Donghyuck, topping it with his son’s favorite cinnamon sugar granola before waking Donghyuck up, cuddling and tickling him so much that Donghyuck had no choice but to wiggle out of bed and rush to the bathroom, laughing loudly while Doyoung chased him there. 

After bathing Donghyuck and helping him brush his teeth, the pair got dressed, Doyoung in a simple dress shirt and slacks for his job at the local high school, and Donghyuck in comfy pants or shorts and a simple long sleeve shirt or short sleeve shirt, depending on the weather. Regardless of the weather, Donghyuck would always wear his favorite grey sweatshirt with an Eeyore patch on the front pocket, and the two would go to the kitchen, Doyoung propping Donghyuck on a high chair and sitting next to him, the two of them devouring their breakfasts. Finally, when their bags were packed and they were ready to leave, Doyoung would lift Donghyuck in his arms and take him to the mantelpiece, Donghyuck reaching for the picture of Doyoung and Johnny and planting a kiss to the glass before turning and kissing Doyoung’s cheek. And Doyoung would kiss Donghyuck’s cheek back and let him down, his son running for the front door as Doyoung gazed at the picture for a moment, pressing a kiss to Johnny’s face and murmuring “I love you” before setting it back in its place and running after his child, who was already down the street by the time Doyoung noticed.

As Donghyuck grew and matured, the routine changed; the bowl of yogurt and fruit and granola turned into eggs and toast and hashbrowns, the high chair turned into a regular chair (albeit a bit too short for Donghyuck as he went through a series of growth spurts), and the shorts and Eeyore sweatshirt and light up sneakers turned into jeans and crisp tops, a result of Doyoung’s meticulous style and also Donghyuck liking those types of clothes. The days of dropping off Donghyuck at preschool and elementary school changed into Doyoung and Donghyuck walking to their job and middle school respectively, and then once Donghyuck reached high school, they both went to the local high school together, Doyoung to teach and Donghyuck to learn. Weekend trips to the zoo turned into review sessions that Doyoung hosted in his own home, Donghyuck leading his friends around the space, into the chamber that used to be Doyoung’s office but now was his own room, and finally into the kitchen where Doyoung would have snacks and a huge whiteboard set up, the sessions going late into the night and resulting in Donghyuck’s friends crashing on the couches in the living room. Donghyuck’s various playdates and traipses with his best friend Minhyung became long video game sessions in front of the television, and soon evolved into Minhyung taking Donghyuck out for dinner, Doyoung giving stern instructions to his son to be home by curfew and for his godson to treat his son right or he would be banning him from the house for life (Minhyung took him quite seriously, apologizing profusely to Doyoung when he brought Donghyuck home a minute late, only to be shocked by Doyoung laughing and ruffling his hair, telling him not to mind). Despite all the changes in Doyoung and Donghyuck’s life, despite the occasional fights that they would get into as Donghyuck grew up and the talks that they had, one thing stayed constant. Every morning, before leaving home, Donghyuck would walk up to the mantlepiece, take the framed picture of Johnny and Doyoung in his hands, kiss Johnny’s image and then turn to kiss Doyoung on the cheek, accompanied with a soft “I love you, Dad,” if he was feeling a little more emotional than normal on that day. And Doyoung would always kiss his son’s forehead before kissing Johnny’s face, murmuring “I love you”’s to both of them before the pair headed out the door.

To compensate for the fact that Donghyuck would never see the man he called his father, Doyoung would mention Johnny all the time; while making breakfast, he would remark to Donghyuck about how much Johnny loved his bacon, when dressing Donghyuck, he would mention Johnny’s favorite colors and outfits, and when he went to the pee wee soccer games to cheer on Donghyuck as he played, he always made sure to shout “We’re so proud of you” instead of “I’m so proud of you”. Doyoung wanted Donghyuck to know the person who had initially made the choice to adopt him, and to have him remember Johnny for the kind and caring person that he was when he was alive.

Doyoung thought he had Donghyuck fooled. He truly did. Donghyuck, ever since the day he came home, hadn’t asked where Johnny was, and Doyoung had assumed that he still thought that Johnny was on a super long business trip, supplemented by the stories and things he told about Johnny to Donghyuck. But Doyoung didn’t know that one night when Donghyuck was 12, as Doyoung sat in the living room with his mother and his mother had implored him to move on from his dead lover, even though she knew how much he meant to him, Donghyuck was listening, his ear pressed to the wooden door separating the rooms from each other. He heard Doyoung’s indignant response, his choked up “I won’t forget him, for Hyuck’s sake and for his only”, and the confirmation that the person he so lovingly referred to as his father was actually a man who had passed away when Donghyuck was barely 3 years old. He heard everything.

From that day onwards, Donghyuck had brought sunflowers to Johnny’s grave, after meticulously going through each row of headstones in the city graveyard near their home and finding him. He would place them on his way to soccer practice after school, a few hours before Doyoung came with his own bouquet of roses and calla lilies. Doyoung would see the creamy yellow blooms on his lover’s grave and surmise that someone was bringing them, perhaps a former student, never suspecting that his own son, who was at soccer practice by the time Doyoung had arrived at the grave, had brought them there, placing them gently near the headstone before sitting in front of it and telling it how his day was, like he was talking to Johnny himself.

It wasn’t until the day of Donghyuck’s high school graduation that Doyoung found out about his son’s sunflowers, and the fact that he knew about his father’s passing all along. As the students filed into their seats and everyone quieted down, Minhyung, Donghyuck’s boyfriend and co-valedictorian, stepped forward to the podium and gave his speech, a rousing call to action to follow your own truth and let no one choose that for you. It was a beautiful speech that left many of the crowd in tears, Doyoung included, but he wiped his eyes and bounced excitedly in his seat as Donghyuck stepped up to the podium to speak, a little Powerpoint slideshow behind him. 

“This is me and my dad.” Donghyuck began, as the projector behind him showed a picture of him and Doyoung on a vacation trip to a waterfall, the both of them sweaty and smiling. “You guys may know him as Mr. Kim, our 12th grade Korean history teacher. He’s sharp, witty, slightly acerbic yet kind. And this,” Donghyuck continued, as the picture changed to one of Doyoung and Johnny on Doyoung’s graduation day, the same picture that was on the mantelpiece at home, “is my dad and my father. His name is Johnny Suh. He lectured at Seoul National University, and is the love of my dad’s life. He is warm and tall and loving and gentle. He passed away from stomach cancer 15 years ago.”

“I don’t have any recollection of my father, yet my father was as much a part of my life as my dad was. And not in the theological ‘He’s looking down from heaven’ way... My dad made it a conscious effort that my father was in my life, even though he isn’t physically here with us now. I will never be able to hear my father’s voice in person again, but I already know what it sounds like. It’s deep. bell-like. sonorous. It booms when it’s loud, and it is extremely good at touching people’s hearts. I will never be able to hug my father again, but I know what it feels like. His chest is broad, and he always wears sweaters, so it’s soft and warm. He wraps his arms around you like you’re a teddy bear, and his hugs smell of his favorite cologne, scented with brown sugar and warm vanilla musk. I will never be able to ask advice from my father, but I already know what he would say if I was ever in a pinch. ‘Think, realize, mend, and sally forth.’”

Doyoung hadn’t even noticed the tears that spilled down his cheeks as Donghyuck spoke. Donghyuck was doing his best not to cry too, Doyoung immediately recognizing the way his breath shook and the way his nose scrunched in between breaths. But Donghyuck kept on speaking, his voice level and warm, capturing the hearts and attention of everyone in the stadium. Just like how Johnny did. 

“What I am trying to emphasize is that words carry weight.” Donghyuck spoke. “They can keep you alive as much as they can kill the next person. In our fast paced world, we don’t use our words; we expect other people to understand us without them. But words are powerful tools, and a simple word can change the whole course of a conversation, a day, a life even. So I encourage you all to use your words. Use them to connect, to inspire, to support. Use them so that other people can use their words as well, instead of being forced into silence. Embrace your unique words so that the world can embrace their own… And never be quiet. Thank you.”

The crowd was silent for a moment, the faint buzz of the sound system the only thing audible in the area. Then slowly, one person began to clap, followed by a few more, then a score more, then the whole stadium. The stadium was filled with applause for nearly 5 minutes, Donghyuck’s classmates cheering for their co-valedictorian while Minhyung looked on with pride, his hand immediately reaching for Donghyuck’s hand as he stepped back. And in the stands, surrounded by his fellow teachers, Doyoung couldn’t help but cry, the tears only increasing with each passing second and blurring his vision until he practically couldn’t see anymore.

The moment Doyoung met a diploma-clutching Donghyuck on the field in front of the graduation stage, his arms wrapped around him, hugging him so hard that Donghyuck thought he would snap in two. The two of them stayed in each others arms for a while, both of them crying and only stopping when Doyoung ran a hand through his son’s unruly curls and murmured “He’s so proud, he’s so proud of you, Donghyuck, he really is,” in his ears. Donghyuck could only respond with a faint “I hope so,” before bursting into tears once more, burying his face in Doyoung’s neck like he did all those years ago on his first day of being a part of Doyoung’s family. 

And as Doyoung hugged his son, their son, in the middle of the soccer field of his high school, he looked up at the sky, and felt Johnny’s arms around the two of them, his lips brushing his temple. His embrace, although not there in person, was warm and safe and secure, and in that moment, Doyoung truly felt at peace.

**Author's Note:**

> hello there!
> 
> 8 months is a heck of a long time to not write something, but i decided that it was time to upload a work! i've been brainstorming this idea for a while, and when i finally got the time to write it, i just busted it out within 2 days! enjoy, and let me know how you liked it at my twitter @solhyae !
> 
> happy reading,  
> aj


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